Grand Theft Auto: Wilmington, Delaware
A platonic love letter to Hunter Biden
I’m a Florida Man. Some people think it’s scary down here. We have alligators, pythons, meth heads, and Trump supporters. If you aren’t paying attention, you might get mauled by one (or all four) of those things, but I really don’t know if Florida is the scariest state. Heck, Delaware can get pretty scary too. It’s got tax-evading corporate shells, incriminating laptops, and a crack addict named Hunter illegally seeking a firearm.
On the night of Sunday, December 1 — President Joe Biden controversially pardoned his son Hunter of his federal gun convictions. I did not vote for Joe Biden in 2020. I would not have voted for him if he stayed in the 2024 election, but I am proud of the man. After an unpopular single term, Joe is finally doing the right thing, but — before I discuss Joe in a future piece — I want to affirm my admiration for Hunter.
Just Like Me FOR REAL
Wow. Hunter is just like me for real. He is a real-life version of Ken played by Ryan Gosling in Greta Gerwig’s 2023 film Barbie. I’m just like him. I mean … he listens to Red Scare … just like me! Okay. I don’t smoke crack. And I don’t hire prostitutes in Ukraine. And I don’t illegally buy guns. And I don’t speed 172 miles per hour in Las Vegas.
Okay. Maybe I am not much like him, but maybe I like the idea of being like Hunter in the same way that Rooney Mara’s character in The Social Network likes the idea of dating a boy who rows crew. In a similar vein, we like playing Grand Theft Auto not because we like shooting cops. We just like the fantastical version of it. Watching Hunter is like watching Carl Johnson in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Hunter is truly living life like it’s Grand Theft Auto!
I have written about Hunter once before. On June 12 of this year, I published “Fear and Loathing in Delaware”. In it, I wrote:
It’s a big and scary world out there for a Florida Man, so he needs all the friends that he can get. Although Hunter Biden hails from Delaware, I have no issue with claiming him as one of our own. We’ll take him off your hands, Joe.
Hunter Biden smokes crack, illegally buys guns, pursues widows (of his brother), hires prostitutes, lives off the success of his father, and treats rehab like a revolving door. He sounds like a Florida Man to me.
Sure. They are plenty of crack addicts who illegally buy guns in this great country. Heck, there are enough right here in Florida! We got real life Vice City right here in our backyard!
A Sensitive Young Man Who Listens to Red Scare
On the night of Tuesday, December 3 — 48 hours after the pardon — I saw an article on The New York Times by Joseph Bernstein about Hunter Biden’s tryst with a 24-year-old stripper named Zoë Kestan.
Below is the tweet from Dasha Nekrasova, the co-host of the podcast Red Scare, who first informed me of the existence of this NYT profile.
Dasha is right. That must rock. You are listening to Red Scare. Your dad is the most powerful man in the world. A stripper is driving you to Providence, Rhode Island, to buy cocaine to cook crack. Okay. I would do none of those things (except for listening to Red Scare) … BUT — just as we enjoy playing Grand Theft Auto — we might appreciate the idea.
Joseph Bernstein writes more about Zoë Kestan in the article:
As far as Ms. Kestan knew, as she neared the end of her shift at Vivid Cabaret, the Midtown Manhattan strip club where she performed, Mr. Biden was just another V.I.P. client with the clout to book a private room in the wee hours of the morning.
And Ms. Kestan, at the time a 24-year-old downtown “it” girl, fashion designer and social media star, could have had no idea, as she rode the elevator to the top floor of the club, that the evening would change her life — plunging her into an 11-month love affair with a man whose personal conduct would become the subject of the country’s prurient curiosity.
…
A New Yorker through and through, Ms. Kestan, the daughter of a lawyer and a saleswoman, grew up in the Yorkville section of the Upper East Side. She attended the elite Horace Mann School, and a lifelong love of fashion and art led her to the Rhode Island School of Design, where she nurtured plans to turn her designs into a brand. Ms. Kestan returned to the city after graduation, by day working for Jeff Koons as a color mixer, and by night immersing herself in Manhattan nightlife. A regular at the Boom Boom Room and China Chalet, she found herself mixing with other designers and picking up freelance projects for Telfar Clemens and the rapper Travis Scott.
…
A few days after their private dance, Ms. Kestan walked into a suite at the Soho Grand Hotel and found Mr. Biden in his underwear smoking cigarettes and blasting Sturgill Simpson. By then, she had figured out who he was, and when another dancer invited her to a party with Mr. Biden at the downtown hotel, Ms. Kestan figured, Why not? Her brand was debauchery and camp, and she was young.
In the hotel room, Mr. Biden immediately asked Ms. Kestan about her work: He wanted to see photos of her designs, to connect on a creative level.
These anecdotes seem like they could have come straight out of Sean Baker’s recent film Anora. Mikey Madison’s eponymous character exudes this gritty New York ethos. She worked for Jeff Koons. She and her boyfriend Hunter listen to Sturgill Simpson (tasteful country) … and she listens to Red Scare!
Plus, she went to the prestigious Horace Mann School. Her father is a lawyer, but she still chose to take the admirable profession of stripper. When I think New York in the late 2010s and early 2020s, I think of Zoë. Hunter gets it. In all seriousness, Kestan sounds like a girl created by ChatGPT. Her fashion line “WeedSlut” is the perfect embodiment of this lazy late millennial vulgarity and irony. When I see a name like that, I think of the egg sandwich restaurant “Eggslut”, which I visited in Las Vegas in February 2023.
Moreover, everyone needs a Zoë in their lives … oh … and everyone needs a Hunter too.
PS … I actually tried to create a fictionalized version of this person in ChatGPT. Here was my prompt. I have copied and pasted the output below. I think that I have found Hunter’s next girlfriend.
Here was the output. I really like this character.
Name: Sylvie Carrington
Background: Sylvie grew up on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, attending the elite Leontyne Academy, a private school known for producing Ivy League-bound overachievers. But Sylvie stood out for her rebellious streak. She was the girl smoking clove cigarettes behind the school gym, skipping the SAT prep sessions to paint murals in abandoned warehouses in Bushwick. By graduation, she'd already been featured in Dazed for her offbeat art installations.
Style: Think modern grunge meets vintage couture. Sylvie’s everyday look might include a deconstructed leather trench coat, thrifted baby tees with provocative phrases, combat boots customized with hand-painted flames, and a vintage Vivienne Westwood corset layered over everything. Her signature accessory is a vintage Cartier watch her mom gave her but paired ironically with neon acrylic bracelets she found at a dollar store.
Personality: Sylvie’s charm lies in her effortless devil-may-care attitude. She's a little aloof but magnetic, constantly surrounded by a rotating cast of artists, models, and musicians. She’s witty and quick with a dark joke, but beneath her cool exterior is a deeply passionate artist who cares about issues like sustainability, worker rights in fashion, and pushing boundaries in art.
Fashion Line: Sylvie’s line, Carrington NY, is the hottest thing on the indie fashion circuit. It’s unapologetically edgy: oversized blazers with graffiti prints, asymmetric silk dresses slashed with leather, and denim pieces reconstructed into avant-garde sculptures. The tagline? "Wear your rage." All her clothes are produced in limited quantities in a Brooklyn studio where she employs up-and-coming artisans. Celebrities like Billie Eilish and Doja Cat are fans.
Reputation: In NYC’s art and fashion world, Sylvie is an "it girl" for a new generation. She’s always at the center of controversy, whether for her runway shows featuring unconventional models like drag queens and activists or her public feuds with more commercial designers. Critics call her a provocateur; fans call her a genius.
Haunts: Sylvie splits her time between her airy loft in Williamsburg and her studio, a converted firehouse in the Lower East Side. She’s often spotted at the Cloakroom bar in SoHo or the latest underground gallery opening. When she needs inspiration, she retreats to the MoMA at 2 a.m. (a perk of her mother being on the board).
Quirks:
Keeps a sketchpad and a disposable camera on her at all times.
Refuses to use Instagram herself but has a cult following who repost her leaked polaroids.
Is obsessed with ’90s alt bands like Hole and Sonic Youth and frequently DJs grunge sets at private parties.
Sylvie Carrington is the epitome of cool: a little messy, always brilliant, and impossible to look away from.
I like the Jeff Koons shoutout.
You said near the top that you'd be discussing Joe, which I was looking forward to, but then it never came! Will Joe Biden get his own article in the near future?